A Series of Ramblings

Blogging when I remember to

Heartbeat, Heartbreak

Tell me why you did it. Every dream falling apart.

I’m pretty awesome at falling for shitty guys for the most part. My track record of relationships and attempted relationships is filled with a majority of awful, awful guys. Some, of course, far less awful that others, but there’s loads of awful there.Thus, I add yet another one to the awful list.

Back in February, I met a guy online from Vegas. I was, at the time, still at school in Ohio. We chatted, we hit it off. I was going to be in town for a good chunk of my spring break right before his deployment in March, so we made plans to meet up while I was home. Constant dates for several days, silly text messages while I was in Texas, visiting friends. Regular emails between us after my return to Ohio, and his leaving for his deployment.

I was smitten. Finally, after a string of failed attempts on relationships with guys who only seemed to like me when they were drunk, after several years since my previous relationship, someone who seemed to genuinely like me. He loved that I cosplay, played the same shitty JRPGs I did, watched anime, read comics. He could cook, good in bed, and oh god icing on the goddamn cake was that he was Irish. Life goal of having a cute Irishman tell me I’m beautiful all day with the accent achieved. We decided to become a couple. I was ecstatic. I was willing to put up with the distance for 7 months, to be with him. I put my dreams of breaking into the game industry on hold, and instead looked to come back to Vegas so I could be here when he got back.

7 months. That’s a long time to wait for someone, especially someone you’ve had minor contact with. But I persevered, for I fell in love. He was nearly perfect, outside of being a little dumb (grammatical errors drive me up a fucking wall), and a filthy, filthy casual (playing PC games on a laptop with a controller? Disgusting.). The whole time, I couldn’t help but shake the feeling there was someone else. I chalked it up to general paranoia, since every long distance relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve always thought there was someone else, regardless of if there actually is. Probably stems from my first “real” relationship and how badly I got fucked over in that one, but that’s a story for another time. He reassured me that of course, he wanted to see me when he got home, that he wanted me.

I don’t know how much of that was true.

My friend swung by my place, and I just thought “oh, we haven’t hung out one on one in a while, this will be nice.” Minor chitchat, and silly stories, and I bring up that my boyfriend was supposed to be home hopefully before Halloween. “About that,” she said, asking me to turn on my computer. She then brought up the facebook page of an acquaintance of hers, and mentioned that she too had a boyfriend who was returning from being overseas soon. Of course, to my horror, I was confronted with pictures of the two of them, pictures of him that he had also sent me. They’d be together for about a year and a half. I was the “other woman” this whole time.

I was crushed, mortified, upset. This wonderful man I’d fallen for had been lying to me this whole time. And lying to her as well. I contacted her, telling her that he’d be lying to both of us, that I was sorry for whatever part I played in this situation. Him and I ended up having a rather long skype call, and he told me what he claims to be the truth. That he was hoping neither of us would find out, that he’d be able to tell us in person when he got back, that he told her the truth and she is understandably livid, that he went to war in the hopes he’d get shot and get some peace from his personal demons, among other things. I don’t know how much was true. He does seem to have some deep seated emotional issues. Hardcore depression, at the very least. Might be emotionally manipulative as well. I don’t know.

I know what I felt was real on my end. And he seemed to express genuine apologies to me for hurting me. I want to believe them, the things he told me during that skype call. Because he’s right, he really doesn’t have much of a reason to lie to me anymore. But, how can I?

I think the worst part right now is even though I know I should cut all ties with him, and not see him upon his return, and I’m so scared of getting hurt again… I still want to. The feelings are still there. Or rather, they are for now.

He’s a jerk. And I’m an idiot. And yet, this is still NOT the worst relationship I’ve ever been in. Man, I’m such a winner at relationships.

I’m going back to the 2d life. My cute anime girl figures never hurt me.


Also, feelings fade they don't evaporate. 

It's okay that you still have feelings for him. In time they will fade until he is just  another unpleasant memory in the string of life.

Hurts like hell in the meantime though.


Put your big girl panties back on... Stop blaming yourself for being who you are and let the blame fall where it belongs... On douchey assholes who try to weave a tale of sorrow and excuses... NOPE... sorry he is an adult no matter how afflicted, therefore FULLY responsible and deserving of the boulder he must push up the side of a mountain.  As for a learning lesson... How about love hurts... or no adventure is without possible peril,,, I think the best one is... trust, accept and honor yourself.. the rest will fall into place.. ;)